I had not been around a lot, I know that. It's been a long, drawn out, chaotic, and life-changing year. I feel in my heart that I'm able to see things more clearly, or rather have woken up. Yet, I remain chronically so exhausted that I cannot keep up with my Super-Mom tasks the way I once could. One answer is stress, you're too stressed out, you need time for yourself, you need to meditate every day, get a massage, go to yoga, etc, etc, etc. There are a few problems with those things. I admit that I'm under stress, but all of the things listed require me to take time for myself. I don't know how, I never have. My draw in life has always been to help others and now that I have children of my own, I'm up to my ears in helping others.
Next, I'm a lazy over-achiever. What the hell does that even mean? I will tell you. My brain has wonderful ideas, but my body disagrees with completing all of these idea, sometimes starting them at all, talk about that in a minute. My stamina is just gonzo. I stress at work all day over deadlines and goal meeting. Then I go home and stress that my house is dirty, are the kids eating well enough, I don't have time for my husband, home is falling apart (to my standards). I cannot deal with it, then I get overwhelmed and even more stressed out and it all goes tumbling and sends my body into such a state of exhaustion, I basically collapse if I let myself buy into my brain claiming I need to do it all. The thought of starting one of my goals at that point is, well, pointless, because I just stress and stress and the cycle repeats. Lather, rinse, repeat. That had been my life. It looked like I was being lazy, but I couldn't muster the strength to get up, and when I actually did, I couldn't get through it as I would poop out.
Frankly, my body has been trying to tell me something for years, and I didn't know what. I didn't even know it was trying to be honest. I just thought, well, I'm doing everything that society expects of me and not getting any further ahead, it's something wrong with me. Nope. I'm beginning to see that I need to listen to my body. When I'm happily doing what I should be doing, it agrees, when I force it to do things it shouldn't, it disagrees. Perhaps should is an improper term to use, we should ourselves into a frenzy sometimes, right? Maybe it's destiny, maybe it's my body trying to say this is making you dreadfully unhappy and I quit. Do what makes you shine, do what makes you feel free, do what gives you joy...you dumbass.
So, here I am no longer at that same crossroads I was when I started writing this and was to afraid to share it. Zuza la plaja, I have turned to the beach.
