Destiny

I had not been around a lot, I know that.  It's been a long, drawn out, chaotic, and life-changing year.  I feel in my heart that I'm able to see things more clearly, or rather have woken up.  Yet, I remain chronically so exhausted that I cannot keep up with my Super-Mom tasks the way I once could.  One answer is stress, you're too stressed out, you need time for yourself, you need to meditate every day, get a massage, go to yoga, etc, etc, etc.  There are a few problems with those things.  I admit that I'm under stress, but all of the things listed require me to take time for myself.  I don't know how, I never have.  My draw in life has always been to help others and now that I have children of my own, I'm up to my ears in helping others.

Next, I'm a lazy over-achiever.  What the hell does that even mean?  I will tell you.  My brain has wonderful ideas, but my body disagrees with completing all of these idea, sometimes starting them at all, talk about that in a minute.  My stamina is just gonzo.  I stress at work all day over deadlines and goal meeting.  Then I go home and stress that my house is dirty, are the kids eating well enough, I don't have time for my husband, home is falling apart (to my standards).  I cannot deal with it, then I get overwhelmed and even more stressed out and it all goes tumbling and sends my body into such a state of exhaustion, I basically collapse if I let myself buy into my brain claiming I need to do it all.  The thought of starting one of my goals at that point is, well, pointless, because I just stress and stress and the cycle repeats.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  That had been my life.  It looked like I was being lazy, but I couldn't muster the strength to get up, and when I actually did, I couldn't get through it as I would poop out.

Frankly, my body has been trying to tell me something for years, and I didn't know what.  I didn't even know it was trying to be honest.  I just thought, well, I'm doing everything that society expects of me and not getting any further ahead, it's something wrong with me.  Nope.  I'm beginning to see that I need to listen to my body.  When I'm happily doing what I should be doing, it agrees, when I force it to do things it shouldn't, it disagrees.  Perhaps should is an improper term to use, we should ourselves into a frenzy sometimes, right?  Maybe it's destiny, maybe it's my body trying to say this is making you dreadfully unhappy and I quit.  Do what makes you shine, do what makes you feel free, do what gives you joy...you dumbass.

So, here I am no longer at that same crossroads I was when I started writing this and was to afraid to share it.  Zuza la plaja, I have turned to the beach.